I’m disappointed with myself

I’ve had to give up my studies for this semester. I did well for the first nine weeks but I couldn’t cope after that. My depression and anxiety came back in a bad way and made it impossible for me to study. I’m really disappointed with myself. My parents were upset too but they’re being supportive overall.

What can I say? It’s been six years since I’ve left high school and I haven’t achieved anything in my life. I haven’t got my degree. I don’t have a job. I don’t really have friends any more. Things are pretty grim at the moment. I’m trying to stay positive. All my friends have moved on and are doing things with their lives. It makes me sad that I’ve been left behind. I do feel like a failure. I could blame it all on my personal problems, but I know that a lot of it is due to my lack of self discipline and motivation.
I guess if I compare myself to other people I’ll never be happy. I keep telling myself that it’s okay to take a bit longer to get on the right track. Everyone does things at their own pace. So I’m a bit delayed. That’s okay. Maybe I don’t measure up in terms of conventional success. But I don’t want my worth as a person to be tied to my marks or my job. I won’t be happy if I do that.

I’m a person, that’s all. Nothing more, nothing less. I hope I get somewhere in life. I hope I find something that makes me happy. Hope isn’t enough, though. You need a plan and hard work and determination. Those are not things that come easily to me.

My parents would say that I make a good Australian. I don’t put pressure on myself. I don’t push myself to achieve. I relax, take it easy and take life as it comes. But hey, is that such a bad thing? We can’t all be neurosurgeons, right?

6 thoughts on “I’m disappointed with myself

  1. I’m sorry to hear that. It is not nice that it upsets you.

    However, I have no doubt that you will find something and someone in your life that’ll make you happy. From what I know of you, I think you’re a great person, and I’ve come to admire your personality and your ways of expressing yourself. I would love to have a friend like you.
    So please try not to let this destroy you completely, and listen to yourself, when you say that what you’re doing is all right :)

    • Winterwind says:

      Thanks for the kind words! It means a lot to me.

      • I just hoped they would help a little bit. I mean, I’ve come to find that I’m not that good at expressing myself like this, and I always fear I’ll sound really weird or something, but I just couldn’t not write anything.
        So I’m glad to hear! And if you ever need/want someone to talk to, I’m here too.

  2. mynameischeese says:

    It’s Ok because you’re a writer. You don’t have to “succeed” on other people’s terms; you merely have to experience things and put them into words. I don’t know if it would make you feel any better, but I spent my 20s bouncing from job to job, house to house, country to country and didn’t finish my education in those years either. But I still managed to wander into a career and settled life eventually.

    • Winterwind says:

      Thanks, mynameischeese. It does help to know that other people took their time too.

      I’ve never really thought of myself as a writer. More as someone who occasionally scribbles things. Maybe I should start calling myself a freelance writer. It sounds more flattering than aimless underachiever!

      • mynameischeese says:

        I used to be a freelance writer for real. I wrote for magazines, but didn’t have a full time job with any of them. Then long after I’d moved on from that, I told people I was a freelance writer just because it sounded better than saying, “Unemployed.” Maybe you should start calling yourself a freelance writer and then in moments of boredom, submit a few things to literary magazines? Some of your stuff reads like poetry anyway.

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